Watch and wait

On October 1st, I was driving back from teaching at a local church outside of Fort Worth. A week before, my family and I found out that my granny had leukemia. Within that week, she decided that she would not take treatments and was given two weeks to a month to live. In a week, I watched my 77-year-old full of life, laughter, and love Granny deteriorate into fear, sorrow, and finally rest.

The events of her diagnoses occurred so quickly, that I did not have time to find a replacement for the event I was committed to teach, giving me the impossible task of saying a goodbye that I thought would not happen for another 10 years. Before I left, she told me that I was her special one and that she wanted me to be happy, even if it meant I would be in Texas.

I have thought a lot about what it means to be happy and how on earth I ever could be fully, without her voice present in my life anymore.

Proverbs 8:34 says:

“Anyone who listens to me is happy, watching at my doors every day, waiting by the posts of my doorway.”

I don’t know about you, but I never equate “happy” with “watching and waiting.” Those words often spark anxiety and pain in my mind. So what does the author of this Proverb actually mean here?

The Biblical definition of “happy” is usually in reference to “blessing.” The Net Bible Translation reads like this: “Blessed is the one who listens to me, watching at my doors day by day, waiting beside my doorway.” I believe that God's intention is not for us to simply be happy. He intends and made a way for us to be blessed. This past month, I have discovered what a gift this truth is.

I started this post with a drive back home on October 1st. I was talking to my Granny on this drive, for what would be our last conversation. The leukemia had started creating sores on her throat and she asked me to say a prayer for her that night. Later on, I woke up randomly at 2am with a strong sense that I needed to pray for her again. I did and quickly fell back asleep to be awakened at 6am with the news that my granny had passed away at 3am (2am Texas time). The sorrow of loss and the loneliness of separation was mended by the blessing God had done: To wake me up and allow me to pray her into Heaven.

Maybe you read these things I write each month with a bit of skepticism. I’ll be honest, I am skeptical about my faith often too. Sitting in front of my Granny's grave was one of those moments. It does not make sense to trust God when death is present, but that is when we need to trust Him most. I needed help, because even though I have walked with him for years, trusting in what I can't see is still hard. Especially when we feel anything but blessed. I believe that is why the Proverb says to “watch and wait.” There is always a little bit of fear, confusion, and pain while trusting in what we cannot see.

But there is also good news! The next verse of Proverbs 8 says, “For the one who finds me finds life and obtains favor from the Lord.” My Granny is seeing and living this truth right now. Her questions have been answered and her fears are no longer present. She is resting in eternal peace and a happiness we cannot even begin to describe. One day, I will no longer be writing, saying that I believe these things, or talking about the wrestle that I have with all that I can't comprehend yet. I will see these truths for myself too.

In the meantime, I have chosen to watch and wait. I have chosen to focus on the blessing rather than the pain. The greatest gift I discovered this month is that His blessing is not dependent upon my feelings or circumstances. His blessing is my happiness. I hope you choose to wait and watch with me, even if you are sitting in the doorway of suffering.

“May the Lord bless you and keep you,

May the Lord make His face shine upon you,

And be gracious to you;

May the Lord look with favor on you

And give you peace.”

-Numbers 6:24-26