What to do with Grief

This month I had a sweet trip home for Mother’s Day with my family. At twenty-six, I unashamedly call my mom 1-3 times a day. While she hasn’t met them, she knows all of my friends by name, endlessly listens to my worries about life, and will be the first one to know when anything dramatic or exciting happens to me. I always knew that our relationship was just a continuation of the relationship from her and my Granny. I can’t even count the number of times that I told my mom something interesting, in confidence, just to come home for a visit to my Granny eagerly awaiting an update on the news I thought only my mom knew about.

So all of this to say, I traveled home for Mother’s day because I love my mom. But I also traveled home because this was the first Mother’s Day where my Granny was no longer with us, and I knew how hard this day would be for all of us. The Saturday I was home, my mom and I took flowers to my granny’s grave and wished her a happy Mother’s Day. We then went over to my Granny’s house so that I could say goodbye. As of this past Friday, it now belongs to a new family, and we are tasked with navigating the reality that Acorn Gap Road is now just a memory to all of us.

For one last time I stood inside the home that held so much joy for my family. I knew this moment would be sad, but I really just wanted to remember the laughter and be able to cheerfully say goodbye with a thankful heart for the blessing that my grandparents had been to me. Unfortunately, the house was just too silent. Most of the furniture was already taken out and everything felt still, and stale and it was all too similar to death for me to feel anything but sorrow. So, I let go of the hope that I would have a sweet memory filled goodbye and my mom and I left.

As I have returned to Texas, and am trying to sort through all of these emotions without my family close by, it has prompted me to ask the question:

What do we do with Grief?

My first natural instinct is to ignore it, but I have been learning that grief really can't be ignored. No matter how busy I am or how many friends surround me, at the end of the day I am still sad and the weight of losing someone is still with me. So while all of this is still pretty fresh to me, I would like to share a few simple things to do in your grief and how the Lord has been mending my heart in this season.

Walk

I have learned that grief makes the simplest tasks feel pretty impossible. When life ends for someone so close to us it feels like all of life has stopped but the reality is that everything around us keeps humming along like nothing ever changed for us. The bills continue to come, your career and responsibilities are still there, and while people acknowledge and pay their respects, the next day you are still needed in the exact capacity that you were before this life altering change occurred. I say all of this not to discourage you but to sit with you and acknowledge that this is the worst and toughest part of grief. So cut yourself some slack for the pile of laundry that has been sitting around for a month. Give yourself grace for the co-worker that you spouted off to and stop telling yourself that you have to be just as bubbly and excited when you are with your friends. It is okay to be sad, to have a bad day, and to feel like a mess as you navigate the changes around you. The first step in what to do with grief is to simply learn to walk with it.

Remember

While I was in seminary, we studied the Bible in its entirety. While we looked at each book individually, we also analyzed the entire story that the Bible tells from beginning to end. The greatest gift that seminary gave me was the reminder that death was never a part of God’s original story and that he made a way for it to one day never play a part in any of our stories ever again. This means the grief you feel today does not win. Maybe you can’t really feel that hope yet, so that is why I have titled this step: Remember. The more we remind ourselves of this truth, the more God will use it to mend the hole death has caused in our hearts.

Confess

This is the most important step and also my least favorite. If you have not gathered this about me, I HATE to be sad and even more so, I hate to be sad in front of other people. But I am discovering that our grief can become dangerous when dealt with in isolation. A few weeks ago, I was walking with a friend on a trail in Dallas and she started asking me how I was doing. I shared with her the specific emotions I was struggling with and while she did not have any answers to fix what I was feeling, she listened, and she said she was sorry… and it was amazing how much weight was lifted just by sitting with someone in my grief. So I challenge you to answer truthfully with how you are the next time a trusted friend asks you. It probably won't be fun but it will be freeing.

Encouragement

Some days we need to be sad but some days we just need to be encouraged. Friends and families can be amazing tools in this area, but I have found God to be the only one who can give me the exact encouragement I need in every stage of grief I am in. In case none of my words have been able to encourage you today, I want to leave you with one of my favorite passages of scriptures. I pray it refreshes your soul as it has mine.

As a deer longs for streams of water,

so I long for you God

I thirst for God, the living God.

When can I come and appear before God?

My tears have been my food day and night,

while all day long people say to me,

"Where is your God?"

I remember this as I pour out my heart;

how I walked with many, leading the festive procession

to the house of God,

with joyful and thankful shouts.

Why my soul are you so dejected?

Why are you in such turmoil?

Put your hope in God, for I will still praise him,

my savior and my God.

I am deeply depressed;

therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan

and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;

all your breakers and your billows have swept over me.

The Lord will send his faithful love by day;

his song will be with me in the night---

a prayer to the God of my life.

-Psalm 42:1-8